LOTS-O-STUFF

Okay! So obviously I haven't posted in quite a while. I apologize for my lack of blogging! I know, how horrible of me to keep my depressing thoughts to myself (it's a joke, laugh darn you!)! So at this very moment, I really don't know what to put on here so I am hoping that something will come to me! While I am thinking of what to type, let me express my inner thinkings!
I am sitting in my seventh hour at the moment and planned to write this really motivational blog and show just why someone came up with the idea of blogging and I am doing a really poor job of it to be perfectly honest! Now on to the real blog!
Life. People go their entire lives trying to figure out why they are here. What is the point of that? You are here to live your life. You don't necessarily have to know why you are here. The important thing is that you are here and you should be happy about that. What's the point of spending your entire life trying to figure out why you are here. You are already here, embrace it. You have a purpose. It's everything around you. You are here for the people in your life, you are here for the moments that take place, because without one person in this world, who knows what could be thrown off in this world. So stop worrying about WHY you are here. Whether you know it or not, the people around you do. You are important in our lives and that is why you are here. So if you don't like it, well who cares! I am not giving you a choice. You have to like it! NEXT TOPIC!
You know what I honestly hate? People let the bad mistakes of everyone else in their life ruin their day. YOU ARE NOT THEM!! Okay, I get it. When someone makes a mistake or a decision in their life that ends up screwing you over, that you are going to be angered by that. But why let it run your life? I know SEVERAL people that do that and it's a waste of time. Get over it. Crap happens in peoples life every single day. That is the point of life. We don't live in a straight line. Our lives are lines yes, but there is bumps and curves and loopdy(sp?) loops and dips and mountains and hills and twists and turns and who knows what else. There are going to be hundreds of instances in your life when you are going to face hardships and difficulties and you have to keep going. That is life. Of course you are going to hate the hardships, its a hardship! No one likes them. We complain and say, "I'm not ready for this!" NEWSFLASH! Of course you won't be ready for it. That is why HARDships are so HARD to deal with. So get over it! Yeah, I am aware of how harsh that sounds and stuff. But try to see my point. It's going to happen in life. There are going to be people that screw you over time and time again and you have to make that choice of if you want them in your life. If you do, then deal with the fact that they screw you over. If you don't, then kick them in the butt and move on with your life. Take it as a lesson well learned and just keep moving forward! It's no fun to go back because then you have to look at things you have already seen and then it just gets repetitive and boring and old. So move on with your life and leave the past behind ya!(Thank you Timone for your inspirational words of wisdom!)
And just a really random splurb(is that even a word?) but I have noticed that I am so much more fluid of a writer when I am in a BAD mood. I can't help but sit here and wonder why that would be. Perhaps it's because when I am in a bad mood I am more focused on one thing, one subject, and just one overall topic! When I am in a better mood, I find that my mind wanders more so. . . Well anyways, that was just something that popped into my mind.
Well I have come to the point in my blog where I have started babbling and thus I must bid thee adue(sp?). I thank thee quite much for reading this if you do! I love you all and may life continue to go splendidly!

Something That Has Been Bothering Me

Just a warning, this will more then likely be a depressing blog so if you don't want to know what's bothering me then just don't read it.

Okay, so I am really upset, and for a lot of reasons to be honest. But this blog will just be about the one that is bothering me the most.

LOVE: This subject has really got me down. I mean, just yesterday, I literally fell asleep crying my eyes out. I am in love with someone who just doesn't even seem to care at all. We used to be best friends. Everything was absolutely perfect. We went to each other for everything. He meant everything to me, he still does. He is so much to me and so much in my life, and anymore he just doesn't act like he even wants to be apart of my life. Of course, even when things were going well, I was still in love with him and things were really hard on me, but I got through because at least I still got to talk to him all the time and really communicate and get to know him even more. But then things got complicated. He got to busy for our friendship, for me. And now it's like I don't even matter. And no matter how many times I try to explain this situation to people, they just don't get it. It sounds like no big deal to them, but no one sees the kind of pain I'm going through. I'm not just losing a friend or another person in my life or anything like that, I am losing my best friend and the man I am in love with. It really takes so much out of me, and people just want me to give up on the whole situation. But you see, I'm not that kind of person. I don't give up on things, I put all my effort into them. If I give up, I am losing so much of my life and going against my own ways of life. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I am losing someone in my life that means so much, and everyone sees it as nothing. It never leaves my mind, and every time I try to get in touch with the man I love, be it from me just texting or calling him, he hardly responds, and each time I die a little more inside. I just wish I could have a chance. Things may not work out with him in the end, but at least that way I would know. I would know things weren't meant to be, but when the other person is too afraid to give you a chance, it makes you depressed. I know it sure has me depressed. And I can't help but think that it's because of the way I am, inside and out, that he truly won't give me a chance. I hope to God that that reason isn't the real reason, but with the way things have gone before with other people, I can't help but think that. I just wish he knew, wish he understood how I felt, because no matter how many times I try to tell him or anything like that, he just doesn't seem to get it. I don't know. Perhaps I am wasting my time, wasting my life, but I really can't help it, I love him.

On A Happier Note....

My friend has asked me to post something a little bit more happier then my previous postings (even though I don't really find them all that sad but still =D). But unfortunatly I am not sure exactly what I should write. Out of all the amazing and totally awesome things in my life, I am not sure of which to speak of. So as I am thinking, I can't help but thinking of all the great times I have had with my friends and this one random inside joke I have with one of my very best friends, Josh.

As of right now, the inside joke that is on my mind is nur. Yes, that is exactly what I said. Nur. One word. Three letters. And from those three letters, I can't even begin to count just how many times I have shared laughter with my friend, Josh, who shares this joke with me. It came about in the oddest way really. One rainy day, Josh, I, and a few other friends were heading to the movies to watch a movie, obviously. And on the way there, Josh and I couldn't help but notice the license plate in front of us which had on those three simple letters, N-U-R. And ever since that moment, it has been a hilarious joke. We have these random times when we will just look over at eachother and shout "NUR!!!!!!!" as if no one else was around. I will never forget this one time in math class. I was trying to say nur to Josh but I didn't want to say it aloud, so I was trying to say it with my lips. And it is SUCH a weird word to try to lip speak and it just wasn't working out for me AT ALL. I can't even imagine what I looked like trying to say it but it was hilarious to me because I felt so dumb! So here I am in the middle of class tearing from laughing so hard because I felt so dumb and all the while, everyone is just looking at me like I'm retarded, including Josh because he had no idea of what I was trying to say. Oh wow. Talk about a Nur moment.

Problems and Answers

On the outside, today was just a normal and average everyday day. There was nothing exciting. I sat around really, played some monopoly, and watched some television. But other then that, I didn't really do a whole lot on the outside. But the whole while, I'm screaming. Literally.

My thoughts have literally just been going crazy. From one topic to another. From one friendship to another. From one hardship to another. Over and over again. Never once stopping, never once giving me a chance to catch my spiritual breathe.

I wish I had all the answers to my problems, to the worlds problems even. But as I sit here and truly think about having all the answers, I wonder if that would even help. Sometimes knowing the answers doesn't really do a darn thing for you. For example: Say you are in your math class and you stumble across a problem that you just don't know. No matter how long you look at it and try to figure it out, you just can't. And luck so has it, that the answer is in the back of the book. So obviously, you go figure out what it is. But there is a problem with that.

Yes, now you have the answer, and you know what the solution is, but you still don't know how to get to it. What is the point of an answer if it doesn't really do anything beneficial for you. If you just get the answers handed to you every single time, you really don't learn anything in the end. You are left just as ignorant as you started and you are getting no where in life.

Now, talk about depressing. Mainly because as much as you wish there was, there aren't any short cuts in life. You have to work through your problems. You have to either find the solutions, or live with the fact that there really isn't one, and that can be absolutely horrible. But when it boils down to it, there really is no other choice.

But lets get to my ultimate point. Even as I sit here wishing I knew the answers to all the problems in my life and wishing I knew all the answers to the world's problems, I don't. And I probably never will and there isn't anything I can do about that. But there is something that I can do to make things a little better.

I can stop making my problems so damn important. I can stop making the need to have an answer so damn important. Because when you sit there and try and try and try to find answers and you don't, what happens? You get upset. You get mad. You get angry. You get depressed. Everything just seems to fall apart.

Now I'm not saying that we need to avoid our problems in life, just that we don't need to make them our priority. By doing that we are just ruining ourselves, our moods, and the moods of the people around us. And in the end, nothing is really worth that.

What Do You Call It?

What do you call it, when you never stop thinking about a person? When everything reminds you of them, even though you don't need reminding. Or what do you call it, when you would literally die for someone? Even do every single thing they asked of you, or at least try to. The saddest part is, is that you really don't know just what you would do without them in your life. When you have such feelings for a person you see in such a beautiful way, its hard to wonder how you managed in life before they came along. Now with them in your life, you see just how important they are. You loose sleep to be there when they need a friend and you don't regret it. Even when you don't know what to tell them, you still offer them a shoulder and an ear to listen. When they are upset, you can't help but being upset as well. You can't help but having a hatred for anyone who ever upsets them. You know they don't deserve to be unhappy, but they really deserve everything the world has to offer. Most of all happiness. You try day in and day out to bring it to them. Just to smile or laugh is all you want them to have to do, and you would do anything to get that. And once you do, its so true and sincere, you can't help but trying to make them more happy. What's really amazing, is when this feeling of such a deep care really hits you. You find yourself amazed at how much you really care for this person, but you soon realize, within time, you will care about them a thousand times more. You know its real, when you can actually be upset with them, or mad or angry with them, and still care for them the exact same, if not more. Everyday, you worry for them. And even though you wish they had the exact same feelings back, you don't push it. You let them be happy with who they want to be happy with. Of course, they know how you feel. Everytime you speak to them, you hope they will open their eyes to what's in front of them. Every time they ask if they can ask you a question, you have hope that its the one you have been longing to hear. Though it never is, you care for them no less, and simply hope within time things will change. But until then, you be the best friend. The one they can really turn to, the situation be big or small, or perhaps no situation at all. You wait for them to message you first, and when they do, it sends jitters up your spine. And every time you end up posting something about them, you hope it will open up their minds. You hope they will see. And when they don't, you wonder what you are doing wrong. Just what is it that they aren't seeing that you and everyone else can see. But you don't push, you don't pressure, and when they promise to talk about this situation the next day and forget about it, you don't bring it up. You can't stand the thought of making them uncomfortable. But in the end, you wonder what to call this feeling. Some might say a deep consideration, others and admiration, and some even love. But deep down, you know exactly what it is. And though no one may realize, it is there, and for once, you have the feeling that it just isn't going away.

I Love You

Sometimes, the words I Love You, can seemingly take the world off your shoulders. Even if it were only for a split second, they could coming from someone who meant it. Those words really could make your day, and make things not seem so bad knowing that someone truly cares about you. The worst part, is when you see someone struggling. You see the world on their shoulders and their knees buckle. You would do anything to help them. You are standing there, and you are just about ready to shout the words to them and take the pain away, but something happens. You realize, they don't feel the same way. Saying those words could only cause controversy, only cause pain and confusion. You struggle to keep them in your mouth and not say a word, and just the pain of keeping them inside you, hurts you more then you could ever imagine. All you wanted was to help the one you loved, you just wanted them to see that someone cared about them more then anyone else ever could, but you cant say the words. You cant even whisper the words you long to say. You cant comfort them by saying hun, or sweetie, or my love, you can only say, im sorry or nothing at all. Those words might of been able to take the pain away, if only for a second, but now, you can't even give them that satisfaction. You have to now watch them suffer along with yourself. You long to tell them, to try to explain your deepest feelings to them, to tell them anything that might make them a little happier or realize that no matter what, they really are perfect in everyway to you. But you cant. You just cant. No matter how much you want to, no matter how much you know it could help, no matter what, you cant. its the worst feeling in the world. and i hate it