My friend has asked me to post something a little bit more happier then my previous postings (even though I don't really find them all that sad but still =D). But unfortunatly I am not sure exactly what I should write. Out of all the amazing and totally awesome things in my life, I am not sure of which to speak of. So as I am thinking, I can't help but thinking of all the great times I have had with my friends and this one random inside joke I have with one of my very best friends, Josh.
As of right now, the inside joke that is on my mind is nur. Yes, that is exactly what I said. Nur. One word. Three letters. And from those three letters, I can't even begin to count just how many times I have shared laughter with my friend, Josh, who shares this joke with me. It came about in the oddest way really. One rainy day, Josh, I, and a few other friends were heading to the movies to watch a movie, obviously. And on the way there, Josh and I couldn't help but notice the license plate in front of us which had on those three simple letters, N-U-R. And ever since that moment, it has been a hilarious joke. We have these random times when we will just look over at eachother and shout "NUR!!!!!!!" as if no one else was around. I will never forget this one time in math class. I was trying to say nur to Josh but I didn't want to say it aloud, so I was trying to say it with my lips. And it is SUCH a weird word to try to lip speak and it just wasn't working out for me AT ALL. I can't even imagine what I looked like trying to say it but it was hilarious to me because I felt so dumb! So here I am in the middle of class tearing from laughing so hard because I felt so dumb and all the while, everyone is just looking at me like I'm retarded, including Josh because he had no idea of what I was trying to say. Oh wow. Talk about a Nur moment.
About Me
- WanderingSoul82
- My name is Samantha, though anymore people just call my Sam, which is okay, but I do prefer Samantha. I still have a whole life ahead of me, and even though it may get tough and complicated at times, I still find ways to get through it. I am surrounded by people I absolutely love and adore, as well as people who are just there, but that is pretty much the life of a human. I absolutely love school, it's the one thing in life that I am good at. I hold a steady job and get involved in clubs at school. I absolutely love Forensics club, and its not the study of dead bodies, but rather a speech club. For the most part, people like me and I have a deep way of thinking most of the time, even though I try not to show it, but perhaps, in this blog, I just might.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Problems and Answers
On the outside, today was just a normal and average everyday day. There was nothing exciting. I sat around really, played some monopoly, and watched some television. But other then that, I didn't really do a whole lot on the outside. But the whole while, I'm screaming. Literally.
My thoughts have literally just been going crazy. From one topic to another. From one friendship to another. From one hardship to another. Over and over again. Never once stopping, never once giving me a chance to catch my spiritual breathe.
I wish I had all the answers to my problems, to the worlds problems even. But as I sit here and truly think about having all the answers, I wonder if that would even help. Sometimes knowing the answers doesn't really do a darn thing for you. For example: Say you are in your math class and you stumble across a problem that you just don't know. No matter how long you look at it and try to figure it out, you just can't. And luck so has it, that the answer is in the back of the book. So obviously, you go figure out what it is. But there is a problem with that.
Yes, now you have the answer, and you know what the solution is, but you still don't know how to get to it. What is the point of an answer if it doesn't really do anything beneficial for you. If you just get the answers handed to you every single time, you really don't learn anything in the end. You are left just as ignorant as you started and you are getting no where in life.
Now, talk about depressing. Mainly because as much as you wish there was, there aren't any short cuts in life. You have to work through your problems. You have to either find the solutions, or live with the fact that there really isn't one, and that can be absolutely horrible. But when it boils down to it, there really is no other choice.
But lets get to my ultimate point. Even as I sit here wishing I knew the answers to all the problems in my life and wishing I knew all the answers to the world's problems, I don't. And I probably never will and there isn't anything I can do about that. But there is something that I can do to make things a little better.
I can stop making my problems so damn important. I can stop making the need to have an answer so damn important. Because when you sit there and try and try and try to find answers and you don't, what happens? You get upset. You get mad. You get angry. You get depressed. Everything just seems to fall apart.
Now I'm not saying that we need to avoid our problems in life, just that we don't need to make them our priority. By doing that we are just ruining ourselves, our moods, and the moods of the people around us. And in the end, nothing is really worth that.
My thoughts have literally just been going crazy. From one topic to another. From one friendship to another. From one hardship to another. Over and over again. Never once stopping, never once giving me a chance to catch my spiritual breathe.
I wish I had all the answers to my problems, to the worlds problems even. But as I sit here and truly think about having all the answers, I wonder if that would even help. Sometimes knowing the answers doesn't really do a darn thing for you. For example: Say you are in your math class and you stumble across a problem that you just don't know. No matter how long you look at it and try to figure it out, you just can't. And luck so has it, that the answer is in the back of the book. So obviously, you go figure out what it is. But there is a problem with that.
Yes, now you have the answer, and you know what the solution is, but you still don't know how to get to it. What is the point of an answer if it doesn't really do anything beneficial for you. If you just get the answers handed to you every single time, you really don't learn anything in the end. You are left just as ignorant as you started and you are getting no where in life.
Now, talk about depressing. Mainly because as much as you wish there was, there aren't any short cuts in life. You have to work through your problems. You have to either find the solutions, or live with the fact that there really isn't one, and that can be absolutely horrible. But when it boils down to it, there really is no other choice.
But lets get to my ultimate point. Even as I sit here wishing I knew the answers to all the problems in my life and wishing I knew all the answers to the world's problems, I don't. And I probably never will and there isn't anything I can do about that. But there is something that I can do to make things a little better.
I can stop making my problems so damn important. I can stop making the need to have an answer so damn important. Because when you sit there and try and try and try to find answers and you don't, what happens? You get upset. You get mad. You get angry. You get depressed. Everything just seems to fall apart.
Now I'm not saying that we need to avoid our problems in life, just that we don't need to make them our priority. By doing that we are just ruining ourselves, our moods, and the moods of the people around us. And in the end, nothing is really worth that.
What Do You Call It?
What do you call it, when you never stop thinking about a person? When everything reminds you of them, even though you don't need reminding. Or what do you call it, when you would literally die for someone? Even do every single thing they asked of you, or at least try to. The saddest part is, is that you really don't know just what you would do without them in your life. When you have such feelings for a person you see in such a beautiful way, its hard to wonder how you managed in life before they came along. Now with them in your life, you see just how important they are. You loose sleep to be there when they need a friend and you don't regret it. Even when you don't know what to tell them, you still offer them a shoulder and an ear to listen. When they are upset, you can't help but being upset as well. You can't help but having a hatred for anyone who ever upsets them. You know they don't deserve to be unhappy, but they really deserve everything the world has to offer. Most of all happiness. You try day in and day out to bring it to them. Just to smile or laugh is all you want them to have to do, and you would do anything to get that. And once you do, its so true and sincere, you can't help but trying to make them more happy. What's really amazing, is when this feeling of such a deep care really hits you. You find yourself amazed at how much you really care for this person, but you soon realize, within time, you will care about them a thousand times more. You know its real, when you can actually be upset with them, or mad or angry with them, and still care for them the exact same, if not more. Everyday, you worry for them. And even though you wish they had the exact same feelings back, you don't push it. You let them be happy with who they want to be happy with. Of course, they know how you feel. Everytime you speak to them, you hope they will open their eyes to what's in front of them. Every time they ask if they can ask you a question, you have hope that its the one you have been longing to hear. Though it never is, you care for them no less, and simply hope within time things will change. But until then, you be the best friend. The one they can really turn to, the situation be big or small, or perhaps no situation at all. You wait for them to message you first, and when they do, it sends jitters up your spine. And every time you end up posting something about them, you hope it will open up their minds. You hope they will see. And when they don't, you wonder what you are doing wrong. Just what is it that they aren't seeing that you and everyone else can see. But you don't push, you don't pressure, and when they promise to talk about this situation the next day and forget about it, you don't bring it up. You can't stand the thought of making them uncomfortable. But in the end, you wonder what to call this feeling. Some might say a deep consideration, others and admiration, and some even love. But deep down, you know exactly what it is. And though no one may realize, it is there, and for once, you have the feeling that it just isn't going away.
I Love You
Sometimes, the words I Love You, can seemingly take the world off your shoulders. Even if it were only for a split second, they could coming from someone who meant it. Those words really could make your day, and make things not seem so bad knowing that someone truly cares about you. The worst part, is when you see someone struggling. You see the world on their shoulders and their knees buckle. You would do anything to help them. You are standing there, and you are just about ready to shout the words to them and take the pain away, but something happens. You realize, they don't feel the same way. Saying those words could only cause controversy, only cause pain and confusion. You struggle to keep them in your mouth and not say a word, and just the pain of keeping them inside you, hurts you more then you could ever imagine. All you wanted was to help the one you loved, you just wanted them to see that someone cared about them more then anyone else ever could, but you cant say the words. You cant even whisper the words you long to say. You cant comfort them by saying hun, or sweetie, or my love, you can only say, im sorry or nothing at all. Those words might of been able to take the pain away, if only for a second, but now, you can't even give them that satisfaction. You have to now watch them suffer along with yourself. You long to tell them, to try to explain your deepest feelings to them, to tell them anything that might make them a little happier or realize that no matter what, they really are perfect in everyway to you. But you cant. You just cant. No matter how much you want to, no matter how much you know it could help, no matter what, you cant. its the worst feeling in the world. and i hate it
Breaks and Aches
How much does it hurt when someone breaks your heart? Does it hurt more if they just let it keep aching? An ache can hurt just as much as a break and it can hurt a lot longer. But a break can be like a flying rock in a world of glass. So what would you rather deal with? Would you rather just fall and then break? The pain can be unbearable, but time heals all wounds, it may take a lot of time but the pain is never quite as strong as it was from the first shock. It continually subsides. Sinks deeper and deeper into the darkest, coldest depths of the ocean until you couldn't find it even if you wanted to. By the time the pain finally goes away you realize you could of been aching all that time. Just sitting there consistently building up to the break. But now, its over. All hope and pain forgotten. But wait. Now you can't even hope. For a look at hope brings the sensation of an ache into your heart. So now with the break, you simply have an endless road ahead of you. You are left to wander it for eternity. An ache is different. There is the choice. A fork in the road shall appear. One way leads to the unforbidding break while the other leads to your true desires. But how long do you have to travel on the aching path to reach the fork in the road? How long is that endless distance and how many countless seconds, minutes, hours, days, or maybe even years will it take to travel it? At the end, could you have traveled that whole distance just to lead to the road you did not intend to travel? The road of the break? Would all the aching you have been through be worth an ending of happiness? What if that road doesn't end in the happiness that you expected from it all along? What if it truly ends in catastrophe and all the pain and aches were for absolutely nothing? Could you really risk all of that? Are you truly willing to take that chance? I am.
Making Lemonade
When life gives you lemons, you are always told that you should make lemonade. But there is a problem with that. Lemonade isn't just made from lemons. So how can you go on and make the lemonade when you so obviously need something to put the lemonade in, some sugar to make it a bit sweeter, and some water so it isn't as strong but still good and tasteful. The point I am trying to get across is this: sometimes in life, we are only given some of the things we need. We try to finish what needs done even though we don't have everything that is required. Sometimes we realize this and sometimes we don't. Most of the time, the job can't really be done without everything we need. So the next time lemons are thrown your way and you get ready to make your lemonade, stop and think really fast. Am I rushing to fast by trying to hurry and make this lemonade? Is something missing? It may sound dumb and rather cliche, but its true. We have to have all the materials essential to bake the cake of life, and if you don't have them, sometimes you have to go out and find them yourself.
p.s. This is probably the lamest thing I have written and I am well aware of this. It was a simple thought I decided to write down. If you like it, tell me, if not, tell me that too. Just want simple feed back on my rather cliche and lame blurb. Thanks much.
p.s. This is probably the lamest thing I have written and I am well aware of this. It was a simple thought I decided to write down. If you like it, tell me, if not, tell me that too. Just want simple feed back on my rather cliche and lame blurb. Thanks much.
Some Good Friends
There is so much in the world that we could say about our friends. Some things good, and others bad. But for the most part, when someone is your friend, you should have more good things to say then bad. Without friends in our lives, who knows where would be. Some people might be in jail, some people might be alright, while others could very much well be dead. But whats important in life, is WHO is important in each and every one of our lives. There is no way that I could live my life without the people I care about right there beside me. There are too many people to write about, but I do want to talk about few of my best friends and just talk about why they mean so much to me. Whether or not your name is on here, just know that you still mean the world to me and I'm glad I met you.
Steven: Steven is relatively a new friend to me. At this moment, I haven't even know him an entire year. But time really doesn't matter when you connect with someone as well as we have. He knows just about everything about me and I don't hide anything from him because he is my very best friend. He has been there for me when no one else has. He has done so much for me and helped me through a lot of tough times and just listened to me when something was on my mind. He doesn't judge people and he is just an amazing person. He has a heart of gold and there are so many wonderful things about him that I could honestly go on for hours just telling you half of them. He is open minded and knows exactly what to tell someone when they need help. He brings the sun out from behind the darkness and can cheer you up with one goofy grin. If you have not met him, you really need to because with out this hilarious and caring person in your life, it just won't be complete. He means so much to me and I don't know if I could live without him. Actually, I am really sure that I couldn't. He is my best friend and will always be. So thanks for always being there for me Steven. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Gissela: I have know this chick since like kindergarten. She has always been there for me, and she is one person that I can really be myself around, no matter what day it is. This girl has seen my craziest moments and my saddest moments and she is still there for me. I love hanging out with here because there just isn't a better person to be around. If you have something funny to say, shes bound to laugh at it, or if you just need a friend to come to and maybe to borrow a shoulder, she will be right there for you. I don't know what I would do without her in my life and I hope that I never have to find out. Gissela, you are a huge part of my life and I send my heart out to you. I love you to death girl, and don't you ever leave me!
Sandy: I have known Sandy for quite a while but we really kicked it off this year. We have done so much crazy stuff that it is truly insane. She is someone that I can really talk to and count on no matter what the situation is. She always lends and ear and a shoulder when need be. She can cheer me up when I'm sad and even calm me down when I'm furious. She understands things about me that most people don't and she is an awesome person to hang out with cause she knows how to have fun and be a good friend. We have our crazy hand shakes and our strange needs to run into each other, which sometimes hurts like hell, but its still hilarious. Bam Bam you are the best and I love you more then I could say. Don't ever think about changing. I just might have to cry.
Tyler: Now this kid I have known since 6th grade, but our friendship really took off this year, all thanks to science class. He has been there for me a lot and has really helped me through tough times and I have helped him out to. Whenever I need him he is there and I have his back with just about anything. I am really happy that we became good friends this year because he is an awesome guy and means a lot to me. He is also a big Jeff Dunham fan with me to haha. I'm excited for the rest of high school so we can get to know each other even better and build an even stronger friendship. He is an awesome guy and I'm glad to have him in my life. I love ya to death Tyler, as long as you don't get another weird haircut like the one you had earlier this year haha. You know I'm messing. But seriously, you are one of my best friends and I love you to death.
Josh: This awesome kid met me back in 5th grade for the mock trial we were in. Of course he will never let me forget that either, but that is beside the point. This guy is amazing. He is into theater and everything amazing like that. We are totally forensics pals for life. No matter what happens in life I adore this kid. He is funny and just all around amazing. He is always there for me when I really need a friend and I try to be there for him as well. He means so so much to me and we will be friends for life. He has an amazing heart and a pure soul and is just an amazing person to know. Josh, you are an amazing kid, and no matter what happens... I will always be there for you. I love you like no other just because you are the incredible person you are.
For all of you I didn't talk about, please do not take it personally. I love you all and couldn't live without you guys. You make the sun come up and the world go round. Every single person in my life is in it because I love them to death and couldn't stand not having them in my life. You each have so many wonderful things about you and I could truly go on and on about all of you, but unfortunately, life is cruel and i don't have that much time. But if you feel you really should be talked about in here, just let me know and I would be more then happy to put you in it. I love you all more then you realize and thank you so much for being in my life and there for me.
Steven: Steven is relatively a new friend to me. At this moment, I haven't even know him an entire year. But time really doesn't matter when you connect with someone as well as we have. He knows just about everything about me and I don't hide anything from him because he is my very best friend. He has been there for me when no one else has. He has done so much for me and helped me through a lot of tough times and just listened to me when something was on my mind. He doesn't judge people and he is just an amazing person. He has a heart of gold and there are so many wonderful things about him that I could honestly go on for hours just telling you half of them. He is open minded and knows exactly what to tell someone when they need help. He brings the sun out from behind the darkness and can cheer you up with one goofy grin. If you have not met him, you really need to because with out this hilarious and caring person in your life, it just won't be complete. He means so much to me and I don't know if I could live without him. Actually, I am really sure that I couldn't. He is my best friend and will always be. So thanks for always being there for me Steven. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Gissela: I have know this chick since like kindergarten. She has always been there for me, and she is one person that I can really be myself around, no matter what day it is. This girl has seen my craziest moments and my saddest moments and she is still there for me. I love hanging out with here because there just isn't a better person to be around. If you have something funny to say, shes bound to laugh at it, or if you just need a friend to come to and maybe to borrow a shoulder, she will be right there for you. I don't know what I would do without her in my life and I hope that I never have to find out. Gissela, you are a huge part of my life and I send my heart out to you. I love you to death girl, and don't you ever leave me!
Sandy: I have known Sandy for quite a while but we really kicked it off this year. We have done so much crazy stuff that it is truly insane. She is someone that I can really talk to and count on no matter what the situation is. She always lends and ear and a shoulder when need be. She can cheer me up when I'm sad and even calm me down when I'm furious. She understands things about me that most people don't and she is an awesome person to hang out with cause she knows how to have fun and be a good friend. We have our crazy hand shakes and our strange needs to run into each other, which sometimes hurts like hell, but its still hilarious. Bam Bam you are the best and I love you more then I could say. Don't ever think about changing. I just might have to cry.
Tyler: Now this kid I have known since 6th grade, but our friendship really took off this year, all thanks to science class. He has been there for me a lot and has really helped me through tough times and I have helped him out to. Whenever I need him he is there and I have his back with just about anything. I am really happy that we became good friends this year because he is an awesome guy and means a lot to me. He is also a big Jeff Dunham fan with me to haha. I'm excited for the rest of high school so we can get to know each other even better and build an even stronger friendship. He is an awesome guy and I'm glad to have him in my life. I love ya to death Tyler, as long as you don't get another weird haircut like the one you had earlier this year haha. You know I'm messing. But seriously, you are one of my best friends and I love you to death.
Josh: This awesome kid met me back in 5th grade for the mock trial we were in. Of course he will never let me forget that either, but that is beside the point. This guy is amazing. He is into theater and everything amazing like that. We are totally forensics pals for life. No matter what happens in life I adore this kid. He is funny and just all around amazing. He is always there for me when I really need a friend and I try to be there for him as well. He means so so much to me and we will be friends for life. He has an amazing heart and a pure soul and is just an amazing person to know. Josh, you are an amazing kid, and no matter what happens... I will always be there for you. I love you like no other just because you are the incredible person you are.
For all of you I didn't talk about, please do not take it personally. I love you all and couldn't live without you guys. You make the sun come up and the world go round. Every single person in my life is in it because I love them to death and couldn't stand not having them in my life. You each have so many wonderful things about you and I could truly go on and on about all of you, but unfortunately, life is cruel and i don't have that much time. But if you feel you really should be talked about in here, just let me know and I would be more then happy to put you in it. I love you all more then you realize and thank you so much for being in my life and there for me.
What I Want
For so long, I have been trying to do everything for everybody. I have been trying to be everything that they would need in life just for the simple satisfaction of making someone happy. And as much as I absolutely love to do that, I'm so tired of it. I want somebody to do something for me, just because they know it would put me in a good mood. Not because someone told them to, not because I asked, not because it seems like the right thing to do, but just because they want to. I come into peoples lives hoping to improve it or to be a simple solution to some problems they may be having. I allow myself to connect with people to try to do something good for them, so why do I always end up getting hurt or something of that sort? Well that is the kind of thing that I am so tired of. I don't want to be a problem to people, I want to be a solution. So just let me say this, if I am a problem to any of you, please feel free to address me about it so I can withdraw myself from your life to prevent any future issues. I don't want to be someone people think badly of, I don't want to be someone people feel sorry for. I want people to be able to proudly point me out in the crowd and say, "That is one of my best friends." I want someone to treat me like a person and want to have me around. I don't just want people to come to me all the time and me not be able to go back to them when I need a friend. I am human, I do have struggles. As much as I try to mask them, they are there, and I want someone to press me to talk about them. As much as I wish I could, I can't face this world alone, I need mutual friendships, I need people that care about me and want to see me happy just because they do. And now that I have made myself seem like a needy self-centered person, I will close this blog before further damage is done. Thank you to anyone who has had the decency to read this. It truly means the world to me. So much that you could never really understand.
First Blog =P
So I have to really admit that I am truly excited about this whole blog thing. Before this, the only time I could ever post anything like a blog was on myspace. So after I finish this blog, I imagine that I will head over to myspace and post all my previous blogs that I actually liked and put them here. I hope to make this blog at least a weekly thing, but don't hold me to that please. Either way, this will be a fun way to talk about things in my life and its a lot quicker and clearer then my own handwriting. Well, I suppose that will be all for this blog until I head over to myspace to get my other blogs. So thanks for reading. :)
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